Here's a seemingly annual post, and well, it's about time. It's the "ten statements they want to make to people they know but don't actually want to say right out to them." (The previous posts are here and here.)
Well, I'm expanding on my "101 things you didn't know about me" post, even though a lot of people know these things because well, it's taken me forever to write this and I need content.
Here we go:
I once managed to talk myself out of a handicapped parking ticket while in a well-off intoxicated state.
I am NOT handicapped, no matter what my friends think.
I want everything I can't have. The sad thing is, I don't want much, but even the simple things are elusive.
I make myself sound more knowledgeable than I am.
I love to go driving, and gas prices really cut into that.
As much as I tend to think practically, I lose my mind to my imagination constantly.
I know exactly what I want.
I lied, and have no idea what I want.
I'd rather have a short meaningful relationship, than a long meaningless one, no matter what the cost.
And I will always reserve the right to be hung up on it.
I live in Detroit. I like my neighbors, I hate my taxes.
I've began to drink coffee again. Religiously.
Scratch that. No more coffee.
I attempt to send postcards to PostSecret.
... only one made it to the mailbox.
The rest were shredded.
I don't drink as much as I used to.
I know more than you think.
While I enjoy a good drink, some nights I hate the cloudiness which develops.
I like Michigan microbrews.
I hate that I can't let certain things go.
I hate that I let a lot of things go I shouldn't have.
People deserve better than what I've given them in the past.
Loyalty is extremely important to me. Don't break my trust.
I collect gnomes. I have one in virtually every room of my house -- including the bathroom.
Maybe I'm back on that coffee thing...
I don't believe I will ever find another muse.
It is possible that I may have begun to bury the sharpest of hatchets.
Lipton Diet Green Tea with Citrus is completely awesome.
I miss the ocean.
I got myself a gym membership.
I'm seeing life with a bit more clarity.
Or not.
I realize I've made mistakes in my life that disappoint other people.
I recognize that I've learned from all of these experiences, and I know what I want out of life, even if it's too far from my grasp right now.
I see the faults of other people's relationships, but I don't want to break the microcosm that they've built around themselves.
... even though it's easy to see it'd be better for them.
... I'm a dick like that.
I still suffer from writer's block, but I may have the next script idea.
... but I'm not telling you. That'd be stupid.
Now I'm occasionally drinking coffee. I keep changing my habits, dammit.
I'm slowly becoming an iZealot. I don't have any iProducts other than an iPod. WTF?
I second guess everything you say. It's just me.
Happiness - true happiness - eludes me.
I still humor the idea that you regret your actions as much as I do mine.
My mind isn't clear.
I'm still an honest drunk, even if I'm lying the entire time.
I spend too much time looking for perfection.
I sometimes wonder if my life would have been better if I had just joined the Marine Corps.
I then wonder if I'd be wondering about this life instead.
I hate that I'm jealous of people even when they are at their lowest.
I still indulge the nerd side of me because sometimes I think that's the only side left.
I sometimes think I've made too many mistakes in my life, and this is God's way of punishing me.
"It's cold in October" and "E no longer equals MC squared" are some of the most honest lines I've ever written.
My friends have the most beautiful children. It's amazing to watch them grow into the amazing people they become.
I only sleep on one side of the bed.
The other side is reserved.
... for who, I have no idea.
I think I've lost most of my creativity -- I think it washed away with childhood.
I'd really like to have a kid, but I need to find the wife first.
I've still got a gift for someone and it's been over eight years.
I still have delusions of grandeur.
I still wish I could make a career as a filmmaker.
I may very well be living my worst fears and not realizing it.
I feel overwhelmed with my life.
No connection.
I miss shooting video at night in October evenings.
Sometimes, I press the "reset" button on the NES, but it doesn't change anything, as life isn't a video game.
I don't feel like I have any more stories to tell.
I miss sitting in a diner with friends having good times with nothing but a few cups of coffee and our lives ahead of us.
I don't like that I've ruined most of what I care about.
I still have my old Masters of the Universe figures... somewhere... I think in the parent's garage attic. (They're still mine though!)
I over-think simple aspects of life.
I rarely feel rested after sleeping. Instead I feel just conscious.
Sometimes, I don't think I've changed in fifteen years.
Other times, I don't recognize who I was ten years ago.
While I've been reading to better myself, I don't actually read all that often.
I miss playing Intellivision, but haven't hooked the system up in ages, so I don't really have the right to bitch about it.
I worry too much.
I've been called a romantic and a hopeless romantic.
I think I'm just hopeless.
I'm hooked on Sugar-free Red Bull.
I like the taste and boost of "Cocaine" better.
Some things are just not worth fighting for. I know that now.
... and yet, some are.
Liquid courage sometimes equals liquid amnesia.
...or even a faux sodium pentothal.
Drunk texting isn't a hobby. It's a way of life.
I recognize the barriers people put up.
I wish people were more honest with their thoughts than they have been, even if it hurts.
I go over conversations I want to have. Nightly. They never happen.
I wish certain people in my life knew how much I respected them, but there never seems to be a grand enough way to let them know.
I hate the way I end up blogging about my emo states, but otherwise have nothing else to say.
I think dairy is slowly trying to kill me.
I sometimes hate people based on the fact that they exist.
... and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.
"We were merely freshmen." That was the lyric which reminds me of spring break 1997 -- An interesting time in my life.
1997 may have been the best year of my life. There was a lot more on the horizon back then.
All of this emo crap aside, I'm actually feeling more positive on the whole.
I don't plan on writing out another list like this. It took over a year to get halfway through this one. Hell, even this one seems incredibly rushed.
I've written about a lot of the pretty things I've seen in my life, I suppose. At least, I think I did. I may be just lazy enough to not look through my content. At any rate, I've experienced a lot in my life (I'd like to think), but nothing is more satisfying than experiencing the sensual qualities of a woman.
I find the soft curves of a woman to be amazingly sensual. I dig women of all types, and find many attractive be they big or small, as long as they have confidence and are comfortable with themselves and I. I can see some amazing erogenous zones a woman might normally hate or want to hide. Allowing my hands to glide over her soft body is amazing foreplay, or even an entire erotic session.
I love slowly tracing a woman's shoulder up her neck with my fingertips, only to lean in and kiss her right behind her ear, enjoying the moment as she takes a deep inhalation of excitement.
It's the tiny details that my mind seems to try to retain, as if they are more meaningful than the larger acts which occur in an intimate moment. That simply astounds me. Looking back over previous relationships, I remember small things like stands of hair in front of her face, or the way her eyes closed and her eyebrows raised in anticipation of my touch. Sometimes, it's how her body was positioned and the nuances of a naked body and its positions in the intimate moment.
Why would I remember these details more than anything else?
I'm all about bringing back old concepts. It's mainly because I realize I'm pretty much an unoriginal bastard without a creative bone in my body. Because of this, I'm bringing back the random ten statements post. You know, "ten statements they want to make to people they know but don't actually want to say right out to them." It's a way to say things to people and really fuck with their minds as to what's to them if anything at all
You have no idea what you had.
I wish I could be as eloquent with my words as you are with yours.
You are one of the most vapid people I've ever met.
You have no idea how much you are truly missed.
You were the only thing I thought about when I looked out at the vast expanse.
You helped me find everything I wanted in life. Thank you.
I wish I had more of your traits.
You still matter to me.
I still drink to you.
I really hope you are happy. It's a shame if you aren't.
"Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog Where no one notices the contrast of white on white And in between the moon and you The angels get a better view Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right I walk in the air between the rain Through myself and back again Where? I don't know" ~ Adam Duritz/Counting Crows, "Round Here"
It's amazing what you find in old boxes. I spent a couple hours on St. Patty's day going through my CDs and re-jewel casing them, since I have all my music on my computer and in my iPod. One thing the digital media just doesn't match is the CD booklets. Just flipping through them with their layouts, fonts, and photos... They brought back a ton of memories. Just little things that really meant a lot in hindsight.
It's like looking through old photos, which is something I've been doing a lot of lately. It seems that other than one envelope of actual photos, I really don't go back past 2002 for photos, and most of those are related to amusement park trips I took. The oldest digital photos I've seemed to retain were ones from the last Denny's trip of 1999, which happened to be Kaylee's first trip to meet the entire gang at the time. It was probably the last truly good time the old high school crowd had together, before shards began to fall away.
Looking back, I miss those days. I miss the things that could have been. I miss the inside jokes that so many of us shared, or the little meeting places which we'd spend hours in, just hanging out, talking about everything. Even those little tucked away coffeehouses, like Cafe Bravo.
I feel sorry for the friends who decided to walk in other paths from the rest of us. I don't think I could have made it as far as I have in life without my friends, and I miss the ones who were so important in my life eight not so long years ago. Has it really been that long?
There were things that didn't come to pass. These things were good in the long run, but still, its really interesting to dig through boxes and folders and find all those memories of people, as tattered as they are.
1999. It was an interesting year. So much began and ended in my life. Perhaps it's time I bid farewell to everything that was resident back then and really take the time to find what is really in my life. The past is the past, and should be kept there. Everything should be reforged.
((Yes, it's another scene from BTVS. It's great writing. So deal.))
Xander - Take this, for instance. You don't want to deal, so you hide? Not very Slayer-like.
Buffy - Just leave me alone, Xander. You have no idea what's going on.
Xander - No? Good. So you and Riley aren't imploding. (beat) Doesn't take a genius. What I can't figure out was how you didn't see it coming.
Buffy - What? Who told you?
Xander - Nobody told me anything, Buffy. It'd been right there in front of my Xander face. The guy would do anything for you-
Buffy - The guy got himself bit by a vampire! He lied to me. He ran around behind my back and almost got himself killed. And now he has the nerve to tell me that he's leaving with some covert military operation at midnight, unless I convince him not to. (beat) Now tell me you "understand", because I sure as hell don't.
Xander - Are you going to let him go?
Buffy - It's not my decision if he wants to take off.
Xander - Of course it is.
Buffy - Well, that's not fair!
Xander - Who cares if it's fair? In about twenty minutes, Riley's going to dissapear - maybe forever - unless you do something to stop him.
Buffy - What am I supposed to do? Beg him to stay?
Xander - Why wouldn't you? To keep Riley here, you wouldn't--
Buffy - I don't even know who he is! I mean he's... I thought Riley was dependable --
Xander - Dependable? What is he State Farm?
Buffy - You know what I mean.
Xander - Yeah, I think you mean convenient. I think you took it for granted that he was gonna show up when you wanted him to and take off when you didn't.
Buffy - Look who's talking! You've got Anya following you around like a love sick puppy!
Xander - Oh boy, this is not about me--
Buffy - Is she more than a convenience? Because that'd be kind of a surprise.
Xander - If you don't want to hear what I have to say, I'll shut up right now.
Buffy - Good, because--
Xander - I lied. See, what I think? You got burned with Angel. Then Riley shows up...
Buffy - I know the story, Xander.
Xander - But you missed the point. You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy, when he's the one who comes along once in a lifetime. He's never held back with you. He's risked it all. And you're about to fly because you don't like ultimatums? (beat) If he's not the guy... If what he needs fro myou just isn't there... For God's sake, just let him go. Break his heart, and make it a clean break. But if you really love this guy -- I'm talking scary, messy, no-emotions-barred need... If you are ready for that, then think about what you are about to lose. He's drawn the line. So either this is the end, or it could be the beginning. Up to you.
I had a weird dream last night. I was prepping for a flight on a dark, dreary day. I was gathering my bags in the airport as they called for my plane and I noticed that no one in my immediate vicinity spoke english.
Whatever.
So, I board the plane and get situated, and I notice that everyone around me looks like the two asian guys on "Heroes". ...oook. So, as the plane beings to taxi, I notice that the door on the front port side of the plane is still open. The light attnedant was nearby, so I was waiting for her to close it. Then the plane begins its run for flight. We lift off the ground -- door still open -- then after about a few thousand feet, the plane dives down and splashes down in the middle of the ocean. The water rushed in quickly, and I remember reaching for that retarded seat cushion/flotational device.
It didn't matter.
Those things never work, and besides, there was no air pocket for me to float up to... and I couldn't feel my legs to swim towards that open door.
And I wondered why I rarely remember my dreams. I'd say my own demise is a good reason to forget them.
It lies in all of us, sleeping, waiting. And though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have?
Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace... But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank; Without passion, we'd be truly dead.
~Angelus, "Passion" - Season two, Buffy: the Vampire Slayer
They're the ones that seem so real, and make you feel like everything is right in the world, but the entire time, you know it's a dream but can't break into a control mode because everything is so perfect...
And that's what's so disturbing.
I know that the things in the dream would never come close to happening, but I'm still haunted by the positive feelings the dream imbued in me, that it's actually distracting. Seeing all those faces, reliving moments with them... but in a completely different setting.
I had a hard time justifying getting out of bed because I really wanted that dream back. Even if it was momentary psuedo-perfection, it could just be what I need.
Thoughts? Comments? Poking fun? You know what to do.
I've been taking some time to study some music videos. I'd really like to shoot some videos for some local and regional artists. I've had the itch since I stopped shooting for Diamond Ring Records.
The first video up for review: "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt
What I took away from this video: This one shows an emotional tale in the past and seemingly present time. Great camera angles, and it fits the lyrics quite well, unlike James Blunt's "You're beautiful" video. This video shows the artist's emotions -- especially as depicted in this video. It shows the power one person can have on another, and how truly amazing the lyrics are.
Second video: "Eat This City" by Thunderbirds Are Now!
What I took away from this video: This video definitely takes a huge jump towards creativity with its "different panel/angle" approach. I dig that. What I think hurts this video is that that's all it is. Just the band at different angles. Had they taken shots of Detroit or Livonia (the area of origin for the band), and threw them in on occasion, it might hold a bit more interest. It's not a bad video, but it would hold more viewing interest with the suggested changes, in my opinion.
Third video: "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter
What I took away from this video: This video seems to do well in regards to the song. I like the story in the video of two people essentially iving the same life, being unhappy, and eventually finding each other. This is similar to the James Blunt video, but in this video, the artist is seperated from the story moreso than ther former.
I looked back at her as she stood there. She was an effigy of frustration as her eyes welled up with tears. I took a deep breath of the Lake Erie air, and began to speak.
Now, faithful readers -- you finish the scene. Let's see how you think this scene would progress.
Have you ever just wanted to completely walk away from something? I mean, just leave every part of it behind?
I've wanted to.
And in a few instances, I have.
What scares me is that my mind walks back. It walks back to everything I've walked or ran from, and plays the "what if" game. That's not so bad, but it's downright scary when your mind starts believing those little nuances are actually real. Then you start finding life snippets and tidbits that lend credence to your delusions, no matter how things actually are.
Oy. Time to wash it all away.
"All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything" ~Pearl Jam, "Black"
Does anyone still hold reverence towards virginity anymore?
In the past, people held the thought of virginity in high regard. People saved themselves for "that special one" for ages. Now, in "modern times", people look to "get laid" as soon as possible, even as young as twelve. Is it just me, or is that sick?
I am sometimes amazed at how prevalent sex is in today's society, especially in the media. Even Disney shows are taking on topics such as sex before marriage and if a child was a "mistake". Disney? Weren't they the company that was supposed to have wholesome content for families and kids?
Crazy. I guess the world is a-changin'.
Even back in the fifties, it was thought that no one was supposed to have pre-marital sex, but then again, it happened all the time. At least the history of the condom goes back much further (link), so people did have some protection aside from the pull-out method. But I'm off topic...
What are your thoughts on virginity? Is waiting really something people in this day and age still do, or is it just a thought of urban legend these days? ("I knew this girl, and she actually wanted to wait..." "No way, that's a myth!" "I'm telling you, it's true!")
People looking forward to eating their sandwiches. You know, they'll be working or doing something really stupid like polishing their furniture, and they'll say, "Oh, things aren't so bad, at least I've got that sandwich to look forward to." And then around noon, or maybe ten a.m., they'll take out their sandwich, and take little tiny bites of that thing, and think about tiny little pieces of change that would make them happy. You know, if they could only lose 4 or 5 pounds, if the movie they'd seen the night before could only be slightly better. They don't ask much, the sandwich people.
Sad as snake-snot.
The only thing sadder than the sandwich people are the poo people.
You know, the poo people, adults who sleep alone every night, but every day you see them walking their 3 pound dogs. If it were a fish, you'd throw it back. But they love it, and they walk it. They walk it with little plastic bags on their hands, waiting for their little 3-pounder to have his poo. And when he does, they pick it up, and feel that heat in their hand, as if to say to themselves, "I am alive!"
The only thing sadder than the poo people are the happy people.
Yeah, the happy people, you know, sitting in their cars, smiling at police, keeping their change in their wallets, remembering people's birthdays, pleased as punch they didn't get murdered.
Sad, sad, sad are the happy people.
I guess the only thing sadder than the happy people, are the Village People.
Yes, the Village People are the very saddest of all! They can't believe they wrote that song about the YMCA, they've never been to the YMCA. That cowboy doesn't want to be a cowboy anymore, he wants to be a grown up. Right now he's in some town, doing bizarre choreographed moves, thinking to himself, "Well, at least I've got that sandwich to look forward to." ~Bruce McCulloch, "Kids in the Hall"
So way back in January, Diamondkt put up this post listing the 101 things we didn't know about him. It's not surprising to me that most of what he posted was news to me... especially since he isn't someone I know. Nevertheless, it was a learning experience to read facts about a person whose writing I enjoy. So, in normal blog culture fashion, I'm doing the same post with my list. Here it goes:
1. Now that I've become an elitist alcoholic, lower domestic beers make me queasy for the most part. I still have issues drinking Guiness straight, though. 2. I was born two months premature. I sometimes read my horoscope as a Leo instead of a Gemini just to be safe. 3. They say I wasn't supposed to live past eight hours when I was born. Sometimes, I think they were right. 4. I'm told I'm a good listener, and I'm good with advice. 5. I can never make the right judgement call for myself, it seems. 6. My dog is my best friend. I think he's the only one who really loves me unconditionally. 7. I want to go to Poland to see the land my family came from, but I'm afraid to be dissapointed. 8. I hate people with French accents only because they sound way too pompous. 9. I voted for Bush. Both times. 10. Gray is my favorite color. If it is disqualified from being a color as it is actually a shade, I choose green, but only darker greens. 11. My father is the strongest person I know. 12. I hate seafood, but I've found I like sushi. 13. I never sleep well. I rarely feel rested after I sleep. 14. My favorite ice cream flavors are: Gold Medal Ribbon and Superman... but not together. 15. I give long massages to the ladies. Longest one was around five hours. 16. I was able to read third grade level books at the age of three. 17. I once had the lead in a school play, but to be fair to other kids, they asked me to split the role in two. I didn't want to, but said okay because I was lazy and didn't want to fight. 18. My favorite tea is Earl Grey. 19. I'd kill for a decent paying career in video production. 20. I think freckles are sexy on a woman. 21. I choose my close friends carefully. 22. I think I remember my first weeks of life. 23. I don't want to admit it to myself that I've lost my focus on life. 24. I am a dog person. Cats are inferior unless I deem the canine to not actually be a dog. (see: miniature poodles or poodles in general) 25. I drive by my first residence at least once a year and wish I could move back into it, even though it's tiny. 26. My favorite hockey games ever were the ones in the 1994-95 Jr. Red Wings season. Dad and I went to every home game. 27. I believe I've been in love only once in my life. Everything else was fleeting. 28. While I want the truth, I'd rather live in the fantasy. 29. My first gaming system was an Intellivision. 30. My first computer was a Commodore Vic-20. 31. My first AOL Instant Messenger screen name is gemini176. I still have it, but I rarely ever log into it, except to keep it alive in case I ever want to use it again. 32. I got a subscription to a car magazine three years ago. I paid for one year. I'm still getting it. Best twenty bucks I ever spent. 33. I can never finish a script where I had an emotional attachment to it. 34. I own two hockey sweaters/jerseys. 35. I always thought the best teenage mutant ninja turtle was Raphael. And I'm fucking right. 36. I'm drinking right now. Be envious. 37. I realized I wanted to be a father after dating a mother. 38. I'm a geek and proud of it. 39. I've stood up in three weddings so far, and was the best man in one. I have one more this year. No best man-age though. 40. I love the moments when I can cause an intense breath to run through a woman or send chills down her spine. Boo-yah. 41. I hate the idea of being set on a blind date, but I'm big on meeting ladies through friends, as if to use my friends as a screen. 42. I always think about packing a towel on every trip I go on, whether I do or not, because of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. 43. I wonder if my friends hide their real opinions of me because they don't want to hurt my feelings. 44. I questioned my faith for a long time. I still do on occasion. I feel it helps me follow my path, whatever it shall be. 45. I've taught a number of people HTML. I wonder if they still use it. 46. It's hard to think of my life without having pets. 47. I still hate the lady who yelled at me at a Tigers game because I was young and accidentally cheered for the Toronto Blue Jays. Rot in Hell, bitch. 48. I've already chosen the people who I'd want to stand in my wedding, if that day were ever to come. 49. When the X-files movie was coming out, I went to an X-files fan convention and got some autographs. I still have them. I'm debating selling them. 50. I think that my body is deteriorating due to some actions from my past. I'm crumbling from the inside. I know it. 51. I'm still a big fan of passionate intimate moments, but I think I've hit my quota on them. I'm allotted no more. 52. Once I find the beauty in someone, it's hard for me to look the other way. I always see that beauty. 53. My only pair of sunglasses cost me about six dollars USD, but were tagged for 17.99 CDN. I bought them at Paramount's Canada's Wonderland with a ton of discounts and a very happy exchange rate. 54. I like Sierra Mist. Sprite and 7-Up don't taste as good. 55. I don't remember many of my dreams. 56. I still watch wrestling. 57. I miss my oldest friend. I sometimes worry I'll get a call to find out he's been shot by some dick who thinks he's better than the law. 58. I let the small details overwhelm my emotions. They really don't matter. 59. I have a strage fascination with the Mantis at Cedar Point, but I don't like riding it. 60. My biggest fear is to be truly alone. 61. One of my favorite toys as a kid was Construx. 62. I also had huge tinkertoys. 63. While I don't smoke, I still enjoy a good cigar. 64. I miss playing with the little green army men in a sandbox. I miss blowing them up with firecrackers even more. 65. I've been on 112 roller coasters. Most were first ridden in 2002. 66. I have a great Christmas present I was going to give to an ex's father, but never did. I hope one day I do give it to him. 67. I like to play poker, but a night of Texas Hold 'Em bores me. 68. I used to have a fountain pop dispenser in my basement as a child. 69. I drunk email a lot more than I drunk dial. Drunk dialing for me seems to be a conscious effort, whereas drunk emailing is more towards blackout status. 70. I walked away from some of my best friends for eight months because they said they "could only trust me as far as they could throw me." 71. Luckily, that bridge has been re-built. 72. I am not sure if I've ever completed a century club session. 73. I won't gamble online, but I trust the net to do my banking. 74. I support my friends' ventures, even if I have issues supporting my own. 75. I'm mentioned in a CD cover and I'm not sure why. 76. I am very weird. It is a trait that hinders me in life. 77. I can remember small details about situations more than the actual situations themselves. 78. I still think my favorite Pinball table is "Whirlwind". I grew up with a "Faces" table in my basement. 79. I cried during "Jersey Girl". I am not ashamed. 80. I don't think Quentin Tarantino is all he's cracked up to be. 81. My three favorite foods are Mexican, Thai, and Italian. Most of the time, I eat That with Tofu. On rare occasions, I get chicken. 82. "Chasing Amy" is still one of my favorite movies. 83. I have a hard time watching "Mission: Impossible" due to memory flashbacks. 84. I've stopped intimate encounters to try and memorize the person I was with. It never stays in my head. 85. I'm anal about my living space. Don't fuck with my shit. 86. I'm a big fan of Kevin Smith and Jared Hess. 87. I almost knocked down Dennis Archer stepping off of an elevator in Detroit. 88. My favorite Baseball player was Jack Morris. If I ever buy myself a Tigers jersey, it will be a "Morris 47" jersey. 89. I'm a Detroit fan for life. 90. I used to have a styrofoam WWF title belt with plastic plates. James ate the styrofoam. In eighth grade. 91. I lost a fight with Jose Cuervo, only because Jack Daniels, Mr. Jager, and their bretheren teamed up beforehand. The last thing I remember was tilting the tequila bottle back and seeing the last of it drain into my mouth. I'm told I puked into my own pants at one point. 92. I remember none of it. 93. I teach friends to become alcoholics. Ask James. I may start a school for it. 94. I created a joke about Kobe Bryant's pubic hair being the root of all evil. It was a bastardization of his rape case and the Anita Hill coke can incident. Therefore, it has it's own MySpace page. (http://www.myspace.com/kobespubes/) 95. I like an ice cold Vernors on a hot day. 96. I've been taking a look more at city politics in the metro Detroit area because I've thought about running for city council, just for fun. I mean, even in Detroit, I can't screw the city up more than it already is, right? 97. I have no desire to go to any high school reunion. I still see everyone in my class I that I'd want to see. 98. I love comedy CDs. 99. My friends are very important to me, but I'm one to hold grudges if I'm crossed. 100. I want to forget everything and start fresh. 101. I can only be myself, and I think that a lot of people can't deal with that. I have a hard time dealing with it, myself.
A lot of people have been posting "Ten statements they want to make to people they know but don't actually want to say right out to them." Or something like that. It's a way to say things to people and really fuck with their minds as to what's to them if anything at all.
Good times. So, at any rate, here's my list:
You don't see what is right in front of you.
You believe your own lies too much.
I'm glad you are alive.
I hate you for what you did.
You really shouldn't bottle it up.
You mean more to me than you could ever know.
I don't miss you, I miss her.
You have no idea what you have and you throw it away.
I thought you were beautiful even when you didn't.
I had one of those odd moments recently, where once sense goes haywire, and all kinds of things flood back. The really weird thing, is that it's rare that it is a sexual moment. It's more or less a vision of how someone looked at a specific moment, or some minute detail, or even just a sensual embrace as I breathed in.
I just had one of these moments.
Although oddly placed in an office which contains only men, I just got a scent of vanilla, most likely through the ductwork from another office in the building. It took me back almost ten years to a cocophany of memories. I'd begun to date this girl who had this amazing beauty behind her eyes, in her touch, seemingly all the way to the core of her soul.
I have these memories of her sitting in my beat up old Chevrolet Celebrity, wearing her band letter jacket, just catching her glance with my eyes, before her fingers came out of the sleeve as she went to grab my hand.
Other times, there were moments at a small bridge in a park. We'd go and sit there, breathing in the fresh air, or walking through the woods, finding things to photograph or talk about. I'd always smile at the sunlight which lit up her hair, giving her this amazing aura of which she never saw.
Still, there's the times where I'd just stare into her eyes for intense moments before our lips would connect...
It's amazing that a scent can bring such vivid memories back, and still make me smile. It's crazy to think that I can still smile at these images after things have gotten so dark and torn with the person in the memory.
You have to love that about the human mind. For something to bring back everything from just a brief bit of sensory perception is quite the intense thing. It's this type of thing that really makes me think about things and choices one can make in life. I mean, I've made hundreds of bad choices, but I know that for every bad one, there's been one good one. But if we were to go back in time and change certain choices, it would be interesting to see the ripple effect as to how it effects everything in life from that point on.
And all this stems from a brief moment in which I took in a scent.
That's really crazy.
And fucked up. "I don't know whether I'm the boxer or the bag" - Pearl Jam, "Yellow Ledbetter"
I thank my parents for instilling me with morals and giving me a good solid ethical upbringing. I know I'm biased, but I think they did a damn fine job of raising me. It seems that they are good natured people, and everyone seems to get along with them. This may shed some light on the topic to be discussed.
I want to talk about being caught in a position where one feels responsible for things (namely people) that they should have no reason to feel responsible for.
I once was dating this girl who, in a number of columns, had made some bad choices in life, and one of which was marrying a man who ended up not being right for her, and vice versa. You can question why they would have began a union if it wasn't going to work, and I can only give one reason -- their child.
Things went awry for them and through the short and skinny, she and I ended up seeing each other for a while. While the ride with her had its ups and downs, the thing that really stood out to me in the entire thing was the kid.
This poor kid.
The kid needed good role models for it's* life. Knowing what I did, the kid definitely needed a stable adult figure in this divorce the folks were going through. But who could be said figure? Who could be both caring, stable, and protective without having attentions split?
* - Yes, I know using "it" to describe a child is cruel. I'm doing so as to not fully disclose who the people are in this story, and the sex of a child, be it male or female, will allow some people to crack my glorious FBI encryption code...
So, I stepped up in the role.
I didn't make the concious choice, but there was nothing I could do when I looked this kid in the eyes and I could only imagine what it was thinking... being at such a young age, and mom and dad were splitting up...
So heartbreaking.
But, I did what I could in my limited position as a friend, and when I could, I'd spend time with Mom and Kid. The two of them helped make up some of the most memorable moments in my life to date, as well as showed me that I do want to get married and have kids.
Yes, that came from me.
One of such memories was an evening carnival that we had went to. As an amusement park fan, I was elated to share part of my interests with this slightly broken but viable family unit. We took a spin on the tilt-a-whirl, and I managed to capture a few stills with a shoddy digital camera of this child having the time of its life, being spun around. The kid's smile was huge, and the laughter was loud and joyous.
After a couple of spins, Mom and Kid tried a few more rides, including the Ferris Wheel, and the Kid rode the catapillar and the monster trucks, and even took a lap in the funhouse. It wasn't until we were just about ready to go, that the Kid wanted to ride the Toboggan coaster. (off-site link) Mom said she didn't want to ride, so Kid and I hopped in and took a spin. As we went up the vertical lift, the squeals of joy coming from the Kid were wonderful. We reached the top and spiraled down the course, the shrieks of joy getting louder and louder with each level we decended down. We hit the dip, and the Kid screamed with excitement, laughing all the way back to the station block.
I was overjoyed. I was able to share the love of a simple carnival coaster with the Kid, and it looked at me and smiled, then gave me the biggest hug in the world. I fell in love with the idea of fatherhood at that moment, no matter who the kid would be. To this day, the Kid still talks of this day on the rare occasion I see it. Every time, I smile.
Another memory I had was attending a Tigers game with Mom and Kid. We got downtown and we walked to Comerica Park for the game. The game was fun, but the Kid enjoyed the stairs much more. After the game, the Kid was tired, so I got to carry it piggyback style all the way to a bank where I withdrew some cash. When I exited the ATM vestibule, the Kid kept jumping for me, so I picked it up and carried it back to the car. By the time we got back, the Kid had fallen asleep. Mom put the Kid gently in the car, and we headed for home.
Something touched me, at that point, and I truly realized that I do want to have a family. I want to have kids. I want to share all the things I enjoy in life with a child who I can call my son or daughter. I want to teach them how to be good, well-adjusted people who can achieve their goals, hopes and dreams.
Even though I'm sure they won't read this, I'd like to thank them for the times we spent together because they made me realize what made life worth living. I hope they all are doing well -- Mom, Dad, and Kid, becuase really, everyone deserves that.
Four pitchers and six jager bombs later, I'm finally feeling decent.
Still, I have all the regrets of the past, but fuck the promises I made.
And now, the song that's been on my mind for the last two months:
"Empty cans" by the Streets
If I want to sit in and drink super tennants in the day I will, No-ones going to fucking tell me jack, But can you rely on anyone in this world? No you cant; its not my fault theres wall to wall empty cans Everyone wanted this to all go wrong for me from the start, Its fucked up that a mans life can just be attacked, Watching this morning with a beer is much better relying on, Unknown cunts for mates i was given that don't have my back. Scott texted me to say he'd have a look at the TV for me, But i layed it down telling him to fuck right off chap. Phoned this company out the yellow pages; Told them to take away the TV and fix it quick snap. The next day they took away the TV and told me they'd repair the little bit, Thats broken round on the back. I thought that would be that but the next bit was on top, This was where it all started to get a bit out of hand.
No-one gives a crap about Mike; Thats why i'm acting nasty. You know what you can do with your life; Introduce it up your jacksie. Coz No-one gives a crap about Mike; Thats why i'm acting nasty. You know what you can do with your life; Introduce it up your jacksie.
The TV man comes back later, knocks on mine, To say he's found something in the back of the TV, I'm looking at it absolutely speechless, Cant quite believe he's trying to pull this fucking stunt on me. I knew it was a simple case of the power supply gone on the back, But he's trying to tap me up for more money. He says its not like that and im like fuck off and die, And stick up my two fingers and one more to make three. He says dont talk to me like that, and i don't understand, Face is in his face and i tell him i understand perfectly. And he grabs my shirt and i grab his face with my hand, So he brings his fist up and twats me a good one on my cheek. Now im trying to pull his head down so i can knee it, But he's got my ear; he's twisting it round so much that its really hurting me. And we both go down on the floor, and he pushes my head back; Onto the corner of the fridge which is total agony. Then he gets up and runs out the kitchen, and out of the door, Shouting stuff to me, slams the door shoutin' at me. So here i am in my house, drinking on my own settee; Everyones a cunt in this life, no-one's there for me.
No-one gives a crap about Mike; Thats why i'm acting nasty. You know what you can do with your life; Introduce it up your jacksie. Coz No-one gives a crap about Mike; Thats why i'm acting nasty. You know what you can do with your life; Introduce it up your jacksie.
[break]
If I want to sit in and drink super tennants in the day I will, No-ones going to fucking tell me jack, But can you rely on anyone in this world? No you cant; its all my fault theres wall to wall empty cans. I sat in the kitchen all fucked off, Imagining over and over what they're all doing behind my back. Dodgy things going on, actions i regretted, Stain bottle with a pipe and tin foil on the matt. Scott texted me telling me he'll have a look at the TV for me, And I Felt like just telling him to fuck right off chap. But what he said about wanting to do the right thing by both mates, And then opting to stay out - it seemed to match. But i's told him he could make it up by fixing the TV, He said thats the least he could do to square things flat. I thought that would be that but then the next bit was mad, This is where everything started to all turn back.
The end of the something i did not want to end, Begining of hard times to come. But something that was not meant to be is done, And this is the start of what was.
He had to unscrew about fifteen screws before he could pull the panel off the back, To get in the fecking thing; But just as he did so, he said he saw something, That slipped inside behind the panel - down the back of it. Must have been some leaflets or a bill maybe, I didn't want to lose the bill incase it was a final warning. So we both treid to get the back off and work out if there was any more screws to get out, Or if we left any in. And when he looked down the back of the TV, his eyes just froze, Before he rammed his hand in saying, no shit. He's looking at me absolutely speechless, he can't quite believe what hes trying to pull out the slip. I get up wondering what he's smiling about, he's shaking his head at this point, With the biggest of grins; I look down the back of the TV and thats where it was, in all its glory - my thousand quid.
The end of the something i did not want to end, Begining of hard times to come. But something that was not meant to be is done, And this is the start of what was.
About 2 this afternoon the last of the people left my house, Coz they never stop chattin' til all the rackets gone. I really feel like things clicked into place at some point, Or maybe its the fact that me and Alison really got on. Or maybe its that i realised that it is true; No-ones really there fighting for you in the last garison. No-one except yourself that is, no-one except you. You are the one who's got your back 'til the last deeds done. Scott can't have my back til the absolute end, Coz hes got to look out for what over his horizon. He's gotta to make sure he's not lonely, not broke. It's enough to worry about keeping his own head above. I shut the door behind me, huddled up in my coat, Condensation floating off my breath, squinted out the sun. My jeans feel a bit tight, think i washed them a bit too high; I was gonna be late, so i picked up my pace to run.
The end of the something i did not want to end, Begining of hard times to come. But something that was not meant to be is done, And this is the start of what was. The end of the something i did not want to end, Begining of hard times to come. But something that was not meant to be is done, And this is the start of what was. The end of the something i did not want to end, Begining of hard times to come. But something that was not meant to be is done, And this is the start of what was. The end of the something i did not want to end, Begining of hard times to come. But something that was not meant to be is done, And this is the start of what was.
It's like looking through old photos, which is something I've been doing a lot of lately. It seems that other than one envelope of actual photos, I really don't go back past 2002 for photos, and most of those are related to amusement park trips I took. The oldest digital photos I've seemed to retain were ones from the last Denny's trip of 1999, which happened to be Kaylee's first trip to meet the entire gang at the time. It was probably the last truly good time the old high school crowd had together, before shards began to fall away.
Looking back, I miss those days. I miss the things that could have been. I miss the inside jokes that so many of us shared, or the little meeting places which we'd spend hours in, just hanging out, talking about everything. Even those little tucked away coffeehouses, like Cafe Bravo.
I feel sorry for the friends who decided to walk in other paths from the rest of us. I don't think I could have made it as far as I have in life without my friends, and I miss the ones who were so important in my life eight not so long years ago. Has it really been that long?
There were things that didn't come to pass. These things were good in the long run, but still, its really interesting to dig through boxes and folders and find all those memories of people, as tattered as they are.
It lies in all of us, sleeping, waiting. And though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have?
Other times, there were moments at a small bridge in a park. We'd go and sit there, breathing in the fresh air, or walking through the woods, finding things to photograph or talk about. I'd always smile at the sunlight which lit up her hair, giving her this amazing aura of which she never saw.
The kid needed good role models for it's* life. Knowing what I did, the kid definitely needed a stable adult figure in this divorce the folks were going through. But who could be said figure? Who could be both caring, stable, and protective without having attentions split?
