Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas.
When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between one and 10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess seven," said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and 10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"Two," said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of three," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.
Then came the second half...
First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five-yard loss.
The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.
"I did," said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five-yard loss.
Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?"
"I did," said the centipede.
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a 10-yard loss. Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"
Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.
"Listen to the mellow sounds of the Rain, on KPPX... That, and we're being forced to re-staff." -- Michael McKean, "Airheads"
It's raining.
I love the rain. It's a calming thing.
I've been doing a lot of things to calm and relax myself lately. I'm not sure why, but I've been getting more and more anxious. It could be things on the horizon that I'm setting up, or it's a lack of creativity which is pouring out into other areas of life.
Either way, I think I need to find that zen place in life, as it were. That place where I feel truly happy. And hopefully, it's in an awakened state.
They're the ones that seem so real, and make you feel like everything is right in the world, but the entire time, you know it's a dream but can't break into a control mode because everything is so perfect...
And that's what's so disturbing.
I know that the things in the dream would never come close to happening, but I'm still haunted by the positive feelings the dream imbued in me, that it's actually distracting. Seeing all those faces, reliving moments with them... but in a completely different setting.
I had a hard time justifying getting out of bed because I really wanted that dream back. Even if it was momentary psuedo-perfection, it could just be what I need.
Thoughts? Comments? Poking fun? You know what to do.
A man happens upon a friend and sees that his friend's car is wrecked and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood. He asks his friend, "What happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches, and the dirt?"
I can't wait for this. This may be one of the few things to push me to cable... or I'll just find it on the net somewhere. But can you believe it? Will it be good without John Candy?
Is anyone else having HUGE email delivery issues with Gmail?
While sending mail seems to work instantly, receiving mail takes anywhere from three minutes to four hours. It's getting rather absurd. I really don't want to go back to dealing with strictly only POP server.
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A little boy and girl were playing doctor. The little boy boldly pulled off his shirt and pointed to his nipples.
"I've got two of these," he said. "How about you?"
The little girl opened her blouse and showed him her nipples. So the boy pointed to his belly button. The little girl looked down and showed him her belly button. So the little boy dropped his drawers and pointed to his penis. The little girl raised her skirt and pulled her underwear to the side, but she couldn't find that particular organ. The little boy taunted her till she ran home to her mommy.
She returned 15 minutes later with a big grin on her face.
"My mommy told me that when I am 18 years old, I'll have as many of those as I want!"
I've been taking some time to study some music videos. I'd really like to shoot some videos for some local and regional artists. I've had the itch since I stopped shooting for Diamond Ring Records.
The first video up for review: "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt
What I took away from this video: This one shows an emotional tale in the past and seemingly present time. Great camera angles, and it fits the lyrics quite well, unlike James Blunt's "You're beautiful" video. This video shows the artist's emotions -- especially as depicted in this video. It shows the power one person can have on another, and how truly amazing the lyrics are.
Second video: "Eat This City" by Thunderbirds Are Now!
What I took away from this video: This video definitely takes a huge jump towards creativity with its "different panel/angle" approach. I dig that. What I think hurts this video is that that's all it is. Just the band at different angles. Had they taken shots of Detroit or Livonia (the area of origin for the band), and threw them in on occasion, it might hold a bit more interest. It's not a bad video, but it would hold more viewing interest with the suggested changes, in my opinion.
Third video: "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter
What I took away from this video: This video seems to do well in regards to the song. I like the story in the video of two people essentially iving the same life, being unhappy, and eventually finding each other. This is similar to the James Blunt video, but in this video, the artist is seperated from the story moreso than ther former.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Q: Have you any grounds? A: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
Q: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? A: It made of concrete.
Q: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? A: No, we have carport, and not need one.
Q: I mean. What are your relations like? A: All my relations still in Poland.
Q: Is there any infidelity in your marriage? A: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Q: Does your wife beat you up? A: No, I always up before her.
Q: Why do you want this divorce? A: She going to kill me.
Q: What makes you think that? A: I got proof.
Q: What kind of proof? A: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put in shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."
Cedar Point announced their 2007 roller coaster today - Maverick. (site)
It's a launched Intamin sit-down coaster with three inversions, and an impressive LSM lift hill which features a 95 degree drop. (Yes, Stepho, this one DOES go upside-down (albeit briefly) on the initial drop.)
A screwdriver walks into a bar and takes a seat up by the bartender.
The bartender looks up at him with a puzzled look on his face. He leans closer to the screwdriver and says, "Hey buddy, you know we got a drink named after you in here."
Suprised, the screwdriver looks up at the bartender and responds, "You got a drink named Carl?"
First off, I can't give you this link without saying I get it from a recent DiamondKT post. But watch this video. (NSFW) Chud, isn't this one of the instructors from your school?
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally, the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask: Why the whole 'drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one' routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."
