Add a memory
 Over a year ago, I made a post requesting a little content help. For those that aren't clicking the link, here's the bulk of the post: So now, it's time for you readers to do some work. TIme for you to add a little bit of content here. Even if i don't speak to you often, you should post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened. If you feel like hiding behind the anonymous tag, go for it. I'll just guess at who you are.
Get to work, fuckers. So, since it's been a year, I set the same task before you. Once again, get to work, fuckers.
Lady at the bar
There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted a drink she would raise her hand. She had very bad armpit hair.
The bartender was getting really grossed out and told the man sitting at the bar that next time she did that he was not going to give her a drink.
One minute later she said, "Bartender, bartender, get me another drink."
The bartender said no. The man sitting there said, "Oh, give the poor ballerina another drink."
The bartender said, "How do you know she is a ballerina?"
The man replied, "Well anyone that can lift their leg that high must be a ballerina!" Labels: humor, joke
Scooter
Woodstock put this up on MySpace as a bulletin, and I couldn't NOT repost it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you.....
Scooter
 That is all. Labels: humor
Morals/Look like/Blonde astronaut/Masturbating
Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is: Don't count your chicks before they are hatched."
Billy is last to speak. He says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down, he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~A wife stops her husband one day and says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?" A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He just looked at her and said, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?" She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him," she said. "Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?" ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~An American, a Russian and a blonde were sitting down discussing whose launch was greater. The Russian says, "We are better because we circled the globe first!" The American replies, "No! we are the best because we went to the moon first!" The blonde says, "You guys are both wrong. The blondes are the best because we are going to land on the sun!" The American and the Russian look at each other in horror and state together, "You can't land on the sun -- you'll burn and die!!!" The blonde just laughs at them and says, "We're not stupid. We plan to go at night!" ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Two junior coeds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating." Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it." The first girl said, "I can't." Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?" The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!" Labels: humor, joke
Poem
I needed to get this out of my head, so I'm dumping it here, bitches.
- Untitled -
Simplistically speaking
isn't so easy anymore
because really the thoughts which cloud my mind
are never anything i want to talk about.
I know i wasn't what everyone envisioned for me
and no matter how i fit that mold
i still shattered like ball meeting glass.
Mirrored images dance in your eyes
because we are the same as we ever were
just with different scrims and gels
coloring our lives
but never changing
what lies underneath.
Tempest torrid affairs
momentary relapses
of passionate instances
and shared glances
connecting for a lifetime
in an instant
and fades just the same.
I see actions
defeating you
with comlexity clouding
everything at the simplest
tangent to be the issue
of everything selfdefeating.
Dreams so close to reality
Pulling on the bars
which separate us
from all the things we want --
an enamorous, amorous entity
and moments in time. Labels: poem
Addiction: Games
I've been playing a lot fo "V:tM Bloodlines" lately, but this little game is mind-numbingly awesome. It's addicting in the same way I got addicted to "the Waitress" (it, and a few other games can be found here.)
Go play, because I have nothing else for you. (At least, not right now.) Labels: computers, gaming
"Tear You Apart" - She Wants Revenge
Got a big plan, his mind's set, maybe it's right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
In a whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait never mind
Late night, in passing, mention it flip to her
Best friend, it's no thing, maybe it slipped
but the slip turns to terror and a crush to like
when she walked in he froze up, leave it to fright
It's cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
escape was just a nod and a casual wave
Obsess about it, heavy for the next two days
It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow
I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right
I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart
Then he walked up and told her, thinking maybe it'd pass
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare
They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last
Either way he wanted her and this was bad
Wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her
I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right
I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I wanna fucking tear you apart Labels: lyrics, she wants revenge
Dandruff/Surgery/Pinocchio
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stopped to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately, he had dandruff.
Finally, on the way off the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Oh my God! We need to give him Head and Shoulders."
The blonde then replied, "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Pinocchio has just turned 16 years old and Geppetto thinks to himself: "My son is going to take an interest in girls, I had better explain to him about the birds and the bees." So he spends time telling Pinocchio about girls and sex and making love and all that. Pinocchio listens intently and then goes off to experiment. Some time later, Geppetto sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?" Pinocchio replies, "Great! I'm doing fine, except that all the girls are complaining about splinters." "Oh dear," says his father, "all I can suggest is that you smooth things over first with some sandpaper." Some time later, he sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?" "Who needs girls when you've got sandpaper!" Labels: humor, joke
Fiona!
Well, just because I love this song, I'm sticking it here for you people to watch. Fiona Apple- "Extraordinary Machine". (yes, I'm a video whore.)
Labels: fiona apple
Curious
You people do know the Movie Quote Game is going on again?
Yeah, right here.
(it's been in my links for a while...)
PS3 vs Wii
Like the PC vs Mac commercials, but.... different. Who doesn't love the Wii? HA!
Labels: humor
Names/Irishman/Golf/Pot
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
"I refer to my employees by their last names only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.
"Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time with the same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air to sober himself up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He awoke the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Moses, Jesus and an old man were out golfing one day. Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green. Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green. The old man drives his ball, it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was picked up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, it crashed onto the green, the fish flopped out of its mouth, and the ball rolled out of the fish and into the hole. Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your dad." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~One day a small lizard was walking through the forest. He smelled pot and looked up to find a koala bear sitting in a tree. The little lizard looked up and said, "Hey koala bear, what are you doing up there?" The bear replied, "I'm getting high, come on up." So the lizard joined the bear in the tree. They continued to smoke joint after joint until finally the little lizard said, "My mouth is dry like cotton." The koala bear agreed and told the lizard to go down to the river and get a drink and in the meantime he would roll another joint. The little lizard attempted to lean over to drink water from the river and was so stoned, he fell right in and started splashing around. A crocodile saw this and swam over to help the lizard to shore. He said, "Lizard what is wrong with you?" The lizard replied, "I've been getting stoned with the koala bear. I needed water and fell in the river." The crocodile said, "I don't believe this. Take me to the tree you were in." So they walked through the forest and they come to the tree where the koala bear was sitting. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey koala bear, what are you doing up there?" The koala bear looked down and said, "Holy crap dude, how much water did you drink?" Labels: humor, joke
Dominator
No, I'm not talking about a ride at Geauga Lake. I'm talking about Dominik Hasek.
I know. I know. This is old news. Hasek signed a one year deal with the Red Wings. It left me saying, "What in holy hell?"
I understand that the Wings were waiting around to get an answer from Ed Belfour, and ended up having their offer declined. That's fine by me, as I don't think I'd want an aged goalie coming off back surgery to be our starter. I mean, the guy realistically would need a season to get back into the one. He wouldn't be a starter. He'd be a temp. But signing Dominik Hasek?
Come on.
Dominik Hasek aided the Wings in getting a Stanley Cup in 2001-02, but realistically, Hasek came here because he needed a team who could do the work to get to the Cup. It wasn't the other way around. Manny Legace proved to be a more dominating force in my eyes in that season... Hell, even James Howard seemed to exert more effort than Hasek. Now we have Hasek as our starter, and Chris Osgood to back him up? For the coin they are paying Osgood, having him ride the bench is retarded. Hasek screwed the Wings over before, and I think he's going to do it again.
If I were the Red Wings organization, I'd have re-signed Legace. He's proved himself to be more reliable than Hasek, and last season, I think he outshined Red Wing alum Chris Osgood, who made his way back home.
It's a rebuilding year. Everyone knows this. That's why I think it's more fitting to get a younger goalie in the net to help rebuild this team. Red Wing management thinks otherwise.
Thoughts? Labels: Detroit, hockey, red wings
Calvin and Hobbes
A Bit Of Both
60% Calvin and 40% Hobbes Calvin & Hobbes, like a scruffy yin and yang, are in perfect balance within you. Like Calvin, you're weird, a bit insecure, and can be a trouble-maker. But like Hobbes, you're down to earth and sensitive. It's a risk to say it here, after just a ten question test, but I'll bet you're smarter than most. Both Calvin and Hobbes are crafty, clever characters, and any one made from equal parts of each is a force to be reckoned with.  My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
You scored higher than 99% on calvin
You scored higher than 99% on hobbes
Take the Calvin and Hobbes test! Labels: meme
Snakes on a Plane
Yes. Oh fuck yes.
That will be good times. Labels: film, humor
Questions: Answered Pt. 3
A little while ago, I made a post about questions you wanted me to answer. Here's the third installment of answers:
Q: What do you want most out of life?
Well, I want to have a loving family of my own. I want a woman I can call my wife and to be the mother of my children.
Q: Have you ever been to Norway?
No.
Q: What is the most you have ever masturbated in one day? (24 hours that is.)
I think three times. Maybe four. Now, it bores me.
Q: What is the most disturbing thing you have ever seen?
My parents having relations. It was only for an instant, but it's enough to disturb me greatly and terrify me for ages. Thank you for bringing the horrid images back up.
Q: I want to know why everyone wants to know so much about your mastrubation habits. Damn.
Well, they have nothing better to think about than my junk and its shots fired. Labels: questions
Golf Betting/Library/Pirate's Life/Every time a bell rings...
Well, last night's post was interesting, wasn't it, kids? This is Casey Kasem, now -- on with the countdown:
A man with an average handicap decides to play a round of golf one day. He heads to the starters' area where he is paired with a woman.
"Damn, a woman," he says. "This is going to be horrible."
As he approaches her, he finds that she is very beautiful and figures this might not be a bad day after all. They head out to the first hole. The man looks to his partner, and says, "If I hole this putt, would you consider going out to dinner with me tonight?"
She agrees, so he lines it up, swings and sinks it. They play a couple more holes and approach the ninth. Both are lying 3 on this long par 5 and again the man looks up to the woman before his putt.
"If I sink this putt, will you kiss me goodbye after the date?"
She says yes and he sinks the 10 footer for birdie. They approach the 17th and both are lying 2 on the par 4 hole. He looks up again.
"Will you consider coming up to my apartment if I sink this shot?"
She says yes and he lines up the short 3-footer and right down the middle it goes. On the 18th, the woman is about 40 feet from the hole. She looks to the man and says, "If I sink this putt, you have to screw me silly all night."
The man says yes so she lines up her putt, takes a backswing and....
"Wait, wait, wait!" the man says. "Pick it up, it's a gimme."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the WORST book I've ever read! It has NO plot and far too many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarks, "So, you're the one who took our phone book..." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum. "Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?" "Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum." "That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said. "Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk." "Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?" "Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate. "A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "Its only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that." Labels: humor, joke
Drizzunk
Beer is good. So are shots. It all just came to a head now.
I know I won't get what I want out of life. it's pretty fucking apparent. But I'll still keep drudging on, because I'm here to appease you fuckers like a monkey.
Dance monkey! Dance! Labels: drunk
Questions: Answered Pt. 2
Not too long ago, I made a post about questions you wanted me to answer. Here's the second installment of answers:
Q: Have you ever shove a foreign object up your ass whilst masturbating?
No.
Q: Do you like gladiator movies?
Not really, but I do own the movie, "Gladiator".
Q: Ever jerk off at work?
Nope.
Q: Ever jerk off at a buddy's house? A strangers house?
No.
Q: Do you like crunchy peanut butter? If so... what's wrong with you?
Nope. Labels: questions
Cards
I'm itching to play some cards. I really would like to find some people to play Set, Lunch Money, Poker, and maybe some Magic.
Yes, I'm a nerd. Labels: gaming
Arrrrr... Me a pirate
Your Pirate Name Is...
 Mad Sheik of RumpsWhat's Your Pirate Name?Labels: meme
Marriage Counseling/Devil/Golden Bar
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. "In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar. "Do you have golden chairs?" "Yes." "Do you have golden glasses?" "Yes." "Do you have golden beer?" "Yes." "Do you have a golden urinal?" "Hold on." On the other end, she hears, "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone." Labels: humor, joke
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