A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "All lawyers are assholes."
A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
So way back in January, Diamondkt put up this post listing the 101 things we didn't know about him. It's not surprising to me that most of what he posted was news to me... especially since he isn't someone I know. Nevertheless, it was a learning experience to read facts about a person whose writing I enjoy. So, in normal blog culture fashion, I'm doing the same post with my list. Here it goes:
1. Now that I've become an elitist alcoholic, lower domestic beers make me queasy for the most part. I still have issues drinking Guiness straight, though. 2. I was born two months premature. I sometimes read my horoscope as a Leo instead of a Gemini just to be safe. 3. They say I wasn't supposed to live past eight hours when I was born. Sometimes, I think they were right. 4. I'm told I'm a good listener, and I'm good with advice. 5. I can never make the right judgement call for myself, it seems. 6. My dog is my best friend. I think he's the only one who really loves me unconditionally. 7. I want to go to Poland to see the land my family came from, but I'm afraid to be dissapointed. 8. I hate people with French accents only because they sound way too pompous. 9. I voted for Bush. Both times. 10. Gray is my favorite color. If it is disqualified from being a color as it is actually a shade, I choose green, but only darker greens. 11. My father is the strongest person I know. 12. I hate seafood, but I've found I like sushi. 13. I never sleep well. I rarely feel rested after I sleep. 14. My favorite ice cream flavors are: Gold Medal Ribbon and Superman... but not together. 15. I give long massages to the ladies. Longest one was around five hours. 16. I was able to read third grade level books at the age of three. 17. I once had the lead in a school play, but to be fair to other kids, they asked me to split the role in two. I didn't want to, but said okay because I was lazy and didn't want to fight. 18. My favorite tea is Earl Grey. 19. I'd kill for a decent paying career in video production. 20. I think freckles are sexy on a woman. 21. I choose my close friends carefully. 22. I think I remember my first weeks of life. 23. I don't want to admit it to myself that I've lost my focus on life. 24. I am a dog person. Cats are inferior unless I deem the canine to not actually be a dog. (see: miniature poodles or poodles in general) 25. I drive by my first residence at least once a year and wish I could move back into it, even though it's tiny. 26. My favorite hockey games ever were the ones in the 1994-95 Jr. Red Wings season. Dad and I went to every home game. 27. I believe I've been in love only once in my life. Everything else was fleeting. 28. While I want the truth, I'd rather live in the fantasy. 29. My first gaming system was an Intellivision. 30. My first computer was a Commodore Vic-20. 31. My first AOL Instant Messenger screen name is gemini176. I still have it, but I rarely ever log into it, except to keep it alive in case I ever want to use it again. 32. I got a subscription to a car magazine three years ago. I paid for one year. I'm still getting it. Best twenty bucks I ever spent. 33. I can never finish a script where I had an emotional attachment to it. 34. I own two hockey sweaters/jerseys. 35. I always thought the best teenage mutant ninja turtle was Raphael. And I'm fucking right. 36. I'm drinking right now. Be envious. 37. I realized I wanted to be a father after dating a mother. 38. I'm a geek and proud of it. 39. I've stood up in three weddings so far, and was the best man in one. I have one more this year. No best man-age though. 40. I love the moments when I can cause an intense breath to run through a woman or send chills down her spine. Boo-yah. 41. I hate the idea of being set on a blind date, but I'm big on meeting ladies through friends, as if to use my friends as a screen. 42. I always think about packing a towel on every trip I go on, whether I do or not, because of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. 43. I wonder if my friends hide their real opinions of me because they don't want to hurt my feelings. 44. I questioned my faith for a long time. I still do on occasion. I feel it helps me follow my path, whatever it shall be. 45. I've taught a number of people HTML. I wonder if they still use it. 46. It's hard to think of my life without having pets. 47. I still hate the lady who yelled at me at a Tigers game because I was young and accidentally cheered for the Toronto Blue Jays. Rot in Hell, bitch. 48. I've already chosen the people who I'd want to stand in my wedding, if that day were ever to come. 49. When the X-files movie was coming out, I went to an X-files fan convention and got some autographs. I still have them. I'm debating selling them. 50. I think that my body is deteriorating due to some actions from my past. I'm crumbling from the inside. I know it. 51. I'm still a big fan of passionate intimate moments, but I think I've hit my quota on them. I'm allotted no more. 52. Once I find the beauty in someone, it's hard for me to look the other way. I always see that beauty. 53. My only pair of sunglasses cost me about six dollars USD, but were tagged for 17.99 CDN. I bought them at Paramount's Canada's Wonderland with a ton of discounts and a very happy exchange rate. 54. I like Sierra Mist. Sprite and 7-Up don't taste as good. 55. I don't remember many of my dreams. 56. I still watch wrestling. 57. I miss my oldest friend. I sometimes worry I'll get a call to find out he's been shot by some dick who thinks he's better than the law. 58. I let the small details overwhelm my emotions. They really don't matter. 59. I have a strage fascination with the Mantis at Cedar Point, but I don't like riding it. 60. My biggest fear is to be truly alone. 61. One of my favorite toys as a kid was Construx. 62. I also had huge tinkertoys. 63. While I don't smoke, I still enjoy a good cigar. 64. I miss playing with the little green army men in a sandbox. I miss blowing them up with firecrackers even more. 65. I've been on 112 roller coasters. Most were first ridden in 2002. 66. I have a great Christmas present I was going to give to an ex's father, but never did. I hope one day I do give it to him. 67. I like to play poker, but a night of Texas Hold 'Em bores me. 68. I used to have a fountain pop dispenser in my basement as a child. 69. I drunk email a lot more than I drunk dial. Drunk dialing for me seems to be a conscious effort, whereas drunk emailing is more towards blackout status. 70. I walked away from some of my best friends for eight months because they said they "could only trust me as far as they could throw me." 71. Luckily, that bridge has been re-built. 72. I am not sure if I've ever completed a century club session. 73. I won't gamble online, but I trust the net to do my banking. 74. I support my friends' ventures, even if I have issues supporting my own. 75. I'm mentioned in a CD cover and I'm not sure why. 76. I am very weird. It is a trait that hinders me in life. 77. I can remember small details about situations more than the actual situations themselves. 78. I still think my favorite Pinball table is "Whirlwind". I grew up with a "Faces" table in my basement. 79. I cried during "Jersey Girl". I am not ashamed. 80. I don't think Quentin Tarantino is all he's cracked up to be. 81. My three favorite foods are Mexican, Thai, and Italian. Most of the time, I eat That with Tofu. On rare occasions, I get chicken. 82. "Chasing Amy" is still one of my favorite movies. 83. I have a hard time watching "Mission: Impossible" due to memory flashbacks. 84. I've stopped intimate encounters to try and memorize the person I was with. It never stays in my head. 85. I'm anal about my living space. Don't fuck with my shit. 86. I'm a big fan of Kevin Smith and Jared Hess. 87. I almost knocked down Dennis Archer stepping off of an elevator in Detroit. 88. My favorite Baseball player was Jack Morris. If I ever buy myself a Tigers jersey, it will be a "Morris 47" jersey. 89. I'm a Detroit fan for life. 90. I used to have a styrofoam WWF title belt with plastic plates. James ate the styrofoam. In eighth grade. 91. I lost a fight with Jose Cuervo, only because Jack Daniels, Mr. Jager, and their bretheren teamed up beforehand. The last thing I remember was tilting the tequila bottle back and seeing the last of it drain into my mouth. I'm told I puked into my own pants at one point. 92. I remember none of it. 93. I teach friends to become alcoholics. Ask James. I may start a school for it. 94. I created a joke about Kobe Bryant's pubic hair being the root of all evil. It was a bastardization of his rape case and the Anita Hill coke can incident. Therefore, it has it's own MySpace page. (http://www.myspace.com/kobespubes/) 95. I like an ice cold Vernors on a hot day. 96. I've been taking a look more at city politics in the metro Detroit area because I've thought about running for city council, just for fun. I mean, even in Detroit, I can't screw the city up more than it already is, right? 97. I have no desire to go to any high school reunion. I still see everyone in my class I that I'd want to see. 98. I love comedy CDs. 99. My friends are very important to me, but I'm one to hold grudges if I'm crossed. 100. I want to forget everything and start fresh. 101. I can only be myself, and I think that a lot of people can't deal with that. I have a hard time dealing with it, myself.
A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. The milkman thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
"I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
I've been thinking about a site re-design lately, and I like the bio Stepho wrote for Chuck on his blog. So, if you had to write one for me, what would you write?
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me," he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control, jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the Devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.
"Why is it so goddamn cold down here?" Pete asks.
"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The Devil replied.
The birthday went well, and James, Phil, Paul and I won first place in the BeastBuzz Scavenger Hunt. We ended up tied with another team, but won the trivia contest to finally take first place! Woo-hoo! Here's what we won:
King's-Island-opoly!
Limited Edition Spongebob-in-the-box!
(not pictured: Dora Dollars)
So yeah, that's what we hauled in for winning. They usually offer passes for the next year, but with Cedar Fair purchasing all of the Paramount parks, no one knows what the heck will be up.
I wanted to comment on Father's day, but I really can't formulate into words how much my father means to me. He's an amazing person and he's taught me so much in my life. I've realized that a lot lately -- these days especially. So, I just want to wish those people who are lucky enough to be fathers a happy Father's day. Keep up the good work.
Spin: arrrr, pirates of the south west Spin: thar be large pipes o'bandwith near ye'ol univarsety. Pirate: yearg, ye may be an ta somethan thar. Spin: what say ye we pull yonder USB hard disk longside yonder NMSU puter and begin tha lutin and plunderin. Pirate: yearg. The master done gaved me a testin machine with a grand ol CDR. Pirate: Avast! Pirate: MP3s off the starboard bow! Spin: stere clear of ye porn pop ups rollin in from tha east. Pirate: I have mah trusty Opera browsa to help me fend em off. Spin: encrypt the data holds, batton down thar security patches, argh thar be spyware abound.
A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm wearing my love dress," responds the daughter-in-law, "We haven't made love in a long time."
So the mother-in-law says, "Hm, maybe I should try that."
She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm wearing my love dress," says the wife.
"Well," responds the husband, "It needs to be ironed."
A lot of people have been posting "Ten statements they want to make to people they know but don't actually want to say right out to them." Or something like that. It's a way to say things to people and really fuck with their minds as to what's to them if anything at all.
Good times. So, at any rate, here's my list:
You don't see what is right in front of you.
You believe your own lies too much.
I'm glad you are alive.
I hate you for what you did.
You really shouldn't bottle it up.
You mean more to me than you could ever know.
I don't miss you, I miss her.
You have no idea what you have and you throw it away.
I thought you were beautiful even when you didn't.
Three NASCAR fans were on their way to a race when they saw an accident on the side of the road, so they pulled over. They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats. The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast. The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast. The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch.
When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and goes to evaluate. He first picks up the Earnhardt hat, puts it back down and writes something down. He does the same with the Elliot hat. Then he picks up the Gordon hat, puts it down and then picks it up again. He does this several times until the Gordon fan says, "What are you? Some kind of pervert?"
The officer replies, "No, I just usually find an asshole under one of these hats."
First off, thanks to everyone who left a comment regarding my grandfather. I appreciate it.
Things have been a bit crazy lately, and I'm just trying to sort things out in this rush of people swirling around me. I am busy, and other than the weekends, I don't exactly understand why. I guess that's life.
The funeral for my grandfather is Thursday morning, then I have a wedding later in the day. It's a suit kind of day, I guess.
I'm heading out of town this weekend to King's Island for an event, and I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to once again get away to try and clear my head, while throwing a few roller coasters into the mix.
Grandpa, you were an amazing man. You raised an amazing family, starting with your seven children, then seventeen grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. Your family is a shining tribute to the strong, hardworking family man you were. You will forever be an inspiration to me, and I can only hope I am half the man you were. I will always remember you. I love you.
Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know...
Little Johnny and his girlfriend were playing golf together when his girlfriend was badly stung by a bee. Little Johnny quickly ran back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor. "Come quick!" he said. "my girlfriend's been stung by a bee."
"Where was she stung?" asked the doctor. "Between the first and second holes," shouted Little Johnny.
"Wow," replied the doctor, "she must have a very wide stance!"
There's been a lot of death around me lately, and obviously, it doesn't sit well. I hate waiting for the inevitable, and it's coming quicker than I expected. It's hard to watch the people you find to be the strongest and most inspirational people in your life crumble like a house whose had the earth washed out from under it. They try not to show it, but the subtleties are very transparent. At least my grandfather knows what's coming, and he seems to have made peace with it. I just wish I could. When I was on the cruise, I spent a lot of time on the boat near the front of the ship, staring into the ocean contemplating my life, my actions, and the thought of breaking that deep blue plane by jumping overboard. It wasn't like a suicidal thing by any means, but the water looked too inviting. I can't say I'd ever been swimming in the middle of any ocean. Sure a number of yards offshore, but never in international waters. There's this srene feeling I got staring into that water. Maybe I should move where I can see that on a more regular basis.
On the flip side, after visiting my grandfather, I travelled to the home of my old pediatrician. He was there when I was born and tried to tell my father I wouldn't live longer than twelve hours, maybe twenty-four. (I was born two months premature with a lot of complications.) The fact that I'm twenty-seven years old still surprises him. It was good to see him after so many years. The last time I saw him, I ran into him at a gas station, and only because I recognized his voice.
Memorial day, I ended up sitting at Theodore's beer tasting with someone I hadn't seen since we parted on bad terms in 2001. In a way, it's a push for me to change my life and let bygones be bygones, but when something has impacted you so much in the past, it's hard to let it all wash away no matter what it is -- at least for me. It was a good time, as long as we stayed off certain topics. It's not like I really have much to say about those topics anymore, anyway.
Sean and I had a number of discussions Saturday about life generalities and recent changes. It's interesting the parallels that run in people's lives. He's good people, even if he's an asshole. (self-proclaimed, nonetheless.)
Is it wrong to be mental over credit cards? My mind keeps freaking out that I have a balance. I guess this is a good thing for being financially stable, but it's creepy. I don't want to be an anal bastard who worries about every nickel and dime. I guess not being anal about it put me into debt previously, so it's me keeping myself away from it. Whatever.
Az (from OutpostNine) moved his "Japanese School Teacher" tales over to the FesteringAss netowrk run by Tucker Max. Now you can check them out at GaijinSmash.net. You're welcome.
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said.
"And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
"You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
I never know I never care I never believe my people I'll tell you what I say I never lie I never try I never cry for you people I'll push you Push away As you lonely people Keep on running around my door Yes, you lonely people Keep on begging Beg for more And I'll cry for you Yes I'll die for you Pain in my heart it is real And I'll tell you now how I feel inside Feel in my heart it's for you
It's for you Only you It's for you
I'll never try I'll never die I'll never push for you people I'll tell you how I feel I'll never lie I'll never cry I'll never try for you people I'll tell you, yes it's real And you lonely people Keep on passing time away Yes you lonely people keep on passing, Pass away
And I'll cry for you Yes, I'll die for you Pain in my heart it is real And I'll tell you now how I feel inside Feel in my heart it's for you And I'll take everything As it comes my way Pushin' your pain 'round my door Will I cry for you as I die for you Is this blood on my hands all for you?
You shiver And shudder Recovers your mother You feel it take control All alone Feel alive In your soul
Come around town Steal another dime Take another line Won't you feel it Blanket your soul Out of mind
Come around town Steal another dime Do another crime Won't you get it higher & higher Roll through time
Come around town Steal another dime Don't you push your drugs in my face Yes, I'm feeling Feeling fine Don't you push your drugs in my face Or I'm gonna put you in your place Fuck you I don't want it no more And it's mine Said this pain in my heart is all mine Yes, it's mine all alone
I don't want it no more I don't want it no more I don't want it no more I don't want it no more
And it's mine on my own Yes, it's mine all alone As I cry for you Yes, I'll die for you Pain in my heart, it is real And I'll take Everything as it comes my way Feel in my heart it's for you And I'll lie for you as I die for you Pain in my heart it is real And I'll tell you now How I feel inside Fuck you It's for you
