Humor
Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have 'tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinnesses -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..."
And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?" Labels: humor, joke
Death
I am home and there's a lot of stuff coming up that I really don't want to think about. Things like the cancer which has struck my Grandfather again, but this time, in greater quantity. I hear there's talk of hospice, and something around the number of six months or less.
I really don't know how to deal with this, since I never deal with death well if it's my family or people as close as family. There are a lot of people near me who are rumored to be checking out soon.
The really sad thing is, I thought I'd be checking out before all of them. I really believed that. But, I'm still here in good health.
Is this fair? Labels: death, thoughts
Television
You know, it's hard.
It's hard realizing the sensations you have just won't work.
It seems like it's been ages since I've held someone in my arms all night and really felt that spark. I guess that's foolish to think, because really, it really hasn't been all that long since I fathomed a connection with someone in my life. It's just been forever since it's ever been felt back, or if it ever really was at all. But as they say, c'est la vie -- such is life.
I just finished watching some taped programming of a show which has a week left until it's over with, and I think it seems way too soon for the show to go away. It's like a relationship with someone in which you build something so intense and emotionally webbed, and it is torn apart.
It's dumb really, to be bummed out that a family drama TV show is ending, especially when it seems to be developing new legs and moving in new directions, but like relationships, it's better to part ways knowing that there are better things coming for everyone than to hang on and possibly face the reality that it's just broken.
Thank you to David Hudgins and Sherri Cooper for entertaining me for four seasons. I applaud you on your tremendous work. Thank you for giving me a reason to turn on the television on a constant basis again. Labels: thoughts
I'm home.
After a long week on the Carnival Imagination and what seemed to be an even longer drive through the good ol' US of A, I'm home. I got home yesterday and relaxed, then did some yard work and took a dip in the pool. After that, I felt ill (damn the movement of the boat, which I still feel) and I slept for eighteen hours.
The trip was fantastic. I'm waiting for final damages to go through, but hey, it was worth it. I'll probably write up a nice long post about everything which occurred and the people who made this trip what it was, but I'm not going to take the time at this moment. Instead, go read Chud's posts (one two) which were written on the ship and in the car ride home. (And for the record, I do not like to pound ass.)
It's Memorial day. Give some mad props to the military folks you know.
Update: The flickr bar has seventy-something cruise photos. Good times. Labels: cruise
From the ship #1
I'm very drunk.
I've lost $170 on the craps tables, but I'm turning it around.
Best vacation ever. Labels: cruise, drunk
One last thing...
Before I take off, I do want to say thanks to James for going for a ride with me tonight. Biking twelve miles felt good.
I'll feel it tomorrow, though. Labels: exercise
Vacation
I need a vacation like a muthafucka. So, I'm going off on a Carribbean cruise for roughly a week. This means you don't get any new content while I'm away. Hopefully what I put up in this post can hold you assholes over until I get back and hopefully post a few pics of the trip. I've got a whole hell of a lot of thinking to do about everything.
I posted this Oozinator commercial a few posts ago, along with the college prank video. After laughing numerous times with co-workers, I went to find one.
And I did.
 Turns out, the local Toys'R'Us does stock them, along with the "reload" cartridges. (Note: Amazon stocks the gun, but not the reload cartridges.) I bought a gun with a few reloads and took the thing out for some slight testing. The Oozinator looks like it was birthed after a long night of watching Alien vs Predator and porno. It has two functions: water gun and Ooze. We all know the standard Super Soaker methodology by now. Pump up the pressure, fire water. Simple, effective, and is now a staple of children's water fights. We didn't need to test this feature. The Ooze on the otherhand...  This ooze feature is crazy. It fires from a seperate nozzle and I can see why. The substance it fires is like an epoxy, where the two parts mix as you draw the "ooze firing mechanism" (aka the "Alien Dick" as called in the office). You pull the OFM back, and splooge! The alien nut/ooze substance goes flying. Really, it's a disturbing thing to see.  The ooze substance really does bear a resemblance to semen. The mixture does generate a partly thick to solid substance after a few seconds, but it also has the viscous substance around it. The scent has been equated to a glue-like scent, which doesn't seem all that odd since I think it's just firing an old childrens recipe for slime -- water, white school glue, and Borax. (not Borat.) If this weapon is ever brought around Shafter and Sparky, I forsee "drive-by oozings" occurring. This would be quite disturbing by anyone who was hit and never saw the Oozinator, as I'm sure they'd think it's semen. One thing to note though -- as with any Super Soaker product, the thing leaks water like crazy. I'm sure a line is loose on the inside, but I'm afraid to find a large amount of alien nut waiting to latch onto me to impregnate me with more of these disturbing weapons... ala the Alien flicks. This is fun for college students to laugh at, but it has shades of Peter North and Ron Jeremy all over it. Great for an adult entertainment set, that's for damn sure. In other news, Tucker Max, Maddox, and Drunkasaurus Rex did a two-hour stint on Maxim's station on Sirius. I'm only through the first twenty minutes of the first hour, and it's great listening. Here's hours one and two. Good times. If they get a permanent spot, I'd love to hear SlingBlade on it. But then, I'd have to get Sirius radio, and I'd prefer XM (for content) if I had to get one. The number "272" keeps appearing almost daily in my life. Peaj, what does this mean? This is your lucky number... If you are looking for an interesting post of mine to read, you can try this one, since it's probably the last real bit of writing I've done recently. Everyone's probably seen this, but MyHeritage.com allows you to upload a photo and see what celebrities most closely resemble you. Hours of fun depending on the picture you upload. Good times. I got reviewed by italk2much.com, and I got zero smacks. At least I didn't get a boot. I can't wait to see how my site ends up after I get back from this vacation. I'm sure I'll have a lot of cleanup to do, like spam. It should be fun on so many levels. I've also been a nerd in my spare time and I've been playing No Limits, a simulator that allows you to design and virtually ride roller coasters. I've been so bored, I decided to design coasters based on my friends. I managed to create one that's decent, and here it is:  It's Harrison: the Ride! I think I went support crazy, but I don't know. I do know the overbank after the loop is missing some supports in the overview, but I ended up noticing and adding them. I'll have to find a way to export the "on-ride" footage to a video file I can compress so that everyone can ride Harrison as many times as they want! (Insert sex joke here.)  In the station...  Going up the lift...  Riding the loop...  Descending the first drop...  Flying through the corkscrew/wing-over... Ywah, that's about it for that.... Joke: The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds four envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered one to three. He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second and envelope three third." The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back and forgets about them. Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes and is losing money fast. After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the three envelopes. So, he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing." Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved and everybody's happy. A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads: "Blame the government for everything." It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved. A month later, the workers declare another strike. The manager goes to the third envelope and it reads: "Prepare four new envelopes." Labels: humor, joke, oozinator, roller coaster
Meme, Myself, and I
I was skimming over things on DiamondKT's blog and I found this post. Naturally, I'll steal it and post my answers. (But if I'm giving credit, is that really stealing? Borrowing? I don't know.)
I am: just a person.
I know: I can do more with my life.
I have: achieved one of my lifetime goals.
I wish: I could be happy.
I hate: knowing I can't be happy.
I miss: the thought of being in love.
I fear: being truly alone.
I hear: more what I want to hear than what's really there.
I search: for happiness.
I wonder: if it was worth it.
I regret: too much.
I love: .
I'm lucky because: I have aroof over my head.
I ache: .
I care: too much.
I always: play the pessimist because optimism hurts too much.
I am not: as strong as my father.
I dance: like a retard with my legs asleep.
I sing: like a baboon, and it gets worse each day.
I do not always: have faith.
I should not: believe what I think is true.
I write: with a number of filters.
I also fear: that I'm see-through.
I win: pennies.
I lose: faith.
I confuse: myself on a daily basis.
I listen: to my heart and my mind, even if they feud.
I go: crazy.
I am glad that: I have my close friends.
I am happy about: my upcoming vacation.
I am obsessed with: finding happiness.
I should be: somewhere else.
I want: you. Labels: meme
A few notes
I know I've been lax with the posts lately, but I'm prepping for leaving the country for a while.
A couple of things to note: - The Clerks II Premiere date was changed to July 21.
- Rasheed Wallace is declaring the next two Pistons games as wins. Chauncey Billips sounds none too pleased about the statement.
And finally, a joke: Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I'd brace myself!" Labels: basketball, film, humor, joke, sports
Scent
I had one of those odd moments recently, where once sense goes haywire, and all kinds of things flood back. The really weird thing, is that it's rare that it is a sexual moment. It's more or less a vision of how someone looked at a specific moment, or some minute detail, or even just a sensual embrace as I breathed in.
I just had one of these moments.
Although oddly placed in an office which contains only men, I just got a scent of vanilla, most likely through the ductwork from another office in the building. It took me back almost ten years to a cocophany of memories. I'd begun to date this girl who had this amazing beauty behind her eyes, in her touch, seemingly all the way to the core of her soul.
I have these memories of her sitting in my beat up old Chevrolet Celebrity, wearing her band letter jacket, just catching her glance with my eyes, before her fingers came out of the sleeve as she went to grab my hand.
 Other times, there were moments at a small bridge in a park. We'd go and sit there, breathing in the fresh air, or walking through the woods, finding things to photograph or talk about. I'd always smile at the sunlight which lit up her hair, giving her this amazing aura of which she never saw.
Still, there's the times where I'd just stare into her eyes for intense moments before our lips would connect...
It's amazing that a scent can bring such vivid memories back, and still make me smile. It's crazy to think that I can still smile at these images after things have gotten so dark and torn with the person in the memory.
You have to love that about the human mind. For something to bring back everything from just a brief bit of sensory perception is quite the intense thing. It's this type of thing that really makes me think about things and choices one can make in life. I mean, I've made hundreds of bad choices, but I know that for every bad one, there's been one good one. But if we were to go back in time and change certain choices, it would be interesting to see the ripple effect as to how it effects everything in life from that point on.
And all this stems from a brief moment in which I took in a scent.
That's really crazy.
And fucked up. "I don't know whether I'm the boxer or the bag" - Pearl Jam, "Yellow Ledbetter" Labels: favorite, memories, thoughts
Pistons / Past / Jokes
 With game two looming tonight for the Detroit Pistons and the Cleveland Cavaliers, I'm excited. I know the Pistons will pull out the series win, but I'm thinking it won't go the distance. Detroit blew out the Cavs 113-86 in game one, and had the Cav's only major player on the bench for the fourth quarter. The Pistons will pull out another one in true Pistons fashion. Who's up for some Buffalo Wild Wings tonight?  I'm still going through photographs, and I have some from the Byrd wedding of 2002. I started writing a post on just the wedding, but I kept finding myself stepping on my own words. The bride and groom here got married in 2002, and they've been going strong ever since. Jaime has been in the home sales business while Rob has a solid teaching gig. Life for this Byrd clan seems to be going well.  The wedding went well, and everyone seemed to have a good time. While there was some slight drama with a couple people standing in the wedding, everything flowed well, and I even ended up on the dance floor for quite some time.  And here, Rob and his merry band of idiots groomsmen. These guys were crazy, and everything involved with this celebration was good times... including the rainstorm that was the bachelor party bar-be-que. And now, some humor: Joke #1: This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's almost once a day! How about you?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!" Joke #2: A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!" Labels: basketball, humor, joke, memories, pistons, wedding
Oozinator
Step one: Watch this.
Step two: Laugh hysterically.
Step three: Discuss.
Was that not one of the most disturbing commercials ever seen? I mean, hell -- Kid #1 RUBS IT IN. I swear, this is the most disturbing toy anyone could have ever created.
And here's some college kids playing with one...
...so wrong. It's so wrong that I'm providing you with a link to buy one. Labels: humor, wtf
Snakes on a Plane Revisited / M:I:III
First off: Snakes on a Plane trailer!
Next, M:I:III was horrid. I never saw the second one, and I was incredibly distracted when I attempted to watch the first one, but at least I could say I enjoyed what I liked fo the first one. Horrid acting by everyone but the Brits and Phil Seymour Hoffman, and I marked out huge for Simon Pegg being on the screen -- so much that I made a ote to watch Shaun of the Dead again. He's great.
The plot is paper thin, and twists because you begin to fall asleep, and they have to wake you up. There were some great lines by Ving Rhames. Maybe I'll go see the first two again to really put this one on the spot, but that requires effort. I have Cedar Point tomorrow.
The movies have to wait. Labels: film
Sleep
 1 : the natural periodic suspension of consciousness during which the powers of the body are restored
2 : a state resembling sleep: as a : a state of torpid inactivity b : DEATH ; also : TRANCE, COMA c : the closing of leaves or petals especially at night d : a state marked by a diminution of feeling followed by tingling (my foot's gone to sleep) e : the state of an animal during hibernation
3 a : a period spent sleeping b : NIGHT c : a day's journeySometimes, I find sleep to be very awkward -- much like my dog does, as evidenced by the picture. Sometimes, I don't understand why I need it, because I rarely feel rested after a night of sleep. It won't matter how much or little I actually do sleep, either. I still feel drained when I wake up, and it may usually take me upwards of five hours beforeI really feel awake, and by then, I begin the downward slide towards sleep's grasp again. It's a horrid process really. I mean, how much time do we waste sleeping? On average, doctors want us to sleep for one-third of our lives. One-third!It's crazy. Labels: thoughts
Things that go bump in the night
Last night, I was laying in bed tossing and turning, grumbling about how the last time I had decent sleep was probably September 2004 or earlier, and I heard this noise. I got up to investigate, since it sounded like someone trying to get into the homestead. I investigate all the doors and go back to bed, as nothing seems out of the ordinary.
Then I realize the sounds are coming from the roof.
Something is on the roof, and it almost sounds human with it's thumping patterns. I start wondering if it's the people across the street drunk off their asses, but eventually the sound ends up being right outside my bedroom window. I fling up the shade and there it is.
A raccoon. Double the size of my dog.
 This raccoon was a tank. I mean, this thing should be hanging out with corporate monopolist anteaters and its three pig minions. This fucker was HUGE. I opened the window and hissed at it, hoping to freak it out. It looked back at me as if to say, "Fuck you", flipped it's mongoloid raccoon paw at me as if to flip the bird, and it took off at a leisurely pace.
This morning, I made sure to walk around the house looking for possible opeings to the attic for this beast to have gotten in, because you know, my bedroom has the attic access, and I don't want raccoon rabies.
I am both lame and crazy. Labels: thoughts
Father Figure
I thank my parents for instilling me with morals and giving me a good solid ethical upbringing. I know I'm biased, but I think they did a damn fine job of raising me. It seems that they are good natured people, and everyone seems to get along with them. This may shed some light on the topic to be discussed.
I want to talk about being caught in a position where one feels responsible for things (namely people) that they should have no reason to feel responsible for.
I once was dating this girl who, in a number of columns, had made some bad choices in life, and one of which was marrying a man who ended up not being right for her, and vice versa. You can question why they would have began a union if it wasn't going to work, and I can only give one reason -- their child.
Things went awry for them and through the short and skinny, she and I ended up seeing each other for a while. While the ride with her had its ups and downs, the thing that really stood out to me in the entire thing was the kid.
This poor kid.
 The kid needed good role models for it's* life. Knowing what I did, the kid definitely needed a stable adult figure in this divorce the folks were going through. But who could be said figure? Who could be both caring, stable, and protective without having attentions split?
* - Yes, I know using "it" to describe a child is cruel. I'm doing so as to not fully disclose who the people are in this story, and the sex of a child, be it male or female, will allow some people to crack my glorious FBI encryption code...
So, I stepped up in the role.
I didn't make the concious choice, but there was nothing I could do when I looked this kid in the eyes and I could only imagine what it was thinking... being at such a young age, and mom and dad were splitting up...
So heartbreaking.
But, I did what I could in my limited position as a friend, and when I could, I'd spend time with Mom and Kid. The two of them helped make up some of the most memorable moments in my life to date, as well as showed me that I do want to get married and have kids.
Yes, that came from me.
One of such memories was an evening carnival that we had went to. As an amusement park fan, I was elated to share part of my interests with this slightly broken but viable family unit. We took a spin on the tilt-a-whirl, and I managed to capture a few stills with a shoddy digital camera of this child having the time of its life, being spun around. The kid's smile was huge, and the laughter was loud and joyous.
After a couple of spins, Mom and Kid tried a few more rides, including the Ferris Wheel, and the Kid rode the catapillar and the monster trucks, and even took a lap in the funhouse. It wasn't until we were just about ready to go, that the Kid wanted to ride the Toboggan coaster. (off-site link) Mom said she didn't want to ride, so Kid and I hopped in and took a spin. As we went up the vertical lift, the squeals of joy coming from the Kid were wonderful. We reached the top and spiraled down the course, the shrieks of joy getting louder and louder with each level we decended down. We hit the dip, and the Kid screamed with excitement, laughing all the way back to the station block.
I was overjoyed. I was able to share the love of a simple carnival coaster with the Kid, and it looked at me and smiled, then gave me the biggest hug in the world. I fell in love with the idea of fatherhood at that moment, no matter who the kid would be. To this day, the Kid still talks of this day on the rare occasion I see it. Every time, I smile.
Another memory I had was attending a Tigers game with Mom and Kid. We got downtown and we walked to Comerica Park for the game. The game was fun, but the Kid enjoyed the stairs much more. After the game, the Kid was tired, so I got to carry it piggyback style all the way to a bank where I withdrew some cash. When I exited the ATM vestibule, the Kid kept jumping for me, so I picked it up and carried it back to the car. By the time we got back, the Kid had fallen asleep. Mom put the Kid gently in the car, and we headed for home.
Something touched me, at that point, and I truly realized that I do want to have a family. I want to have kids. I want to share all the things I enjoy in life with a child who I can call my son or daughter. I want to teach them how to be good, well-adjusted people who can achieve their goals, hopes and dreams.
Even though I'm sure they won't read this, I'd like to thank them for the times we spent together because they made me realize what made life worth living. I hope they all are doing well -- Mom, Dad, and Kid, becuase really, everyone deserves that. Labels: favorite, memories, thoughts
Hockey Blues
After watching the Detroit/Edmonton game tonight, it is quite apparent that when it benefits a canadian team, kicking a puck into the net IS infact, a legal move for a goal.
What complete bullshit. They were calling no goals for a lot less of a kicking motion. And the high stick didn't occur right beforehand? That stick was nipple high. Complete bullshit.
Hockey is the only sport I REALLY like to follow these days, and after such a big season, it's hard to see the wings fold up like this.
Damn.
Damn damn damn.
Beer anyone? Labels: Detroit, hockey, red wings, sports
| Click here for the full archive |
|
