Final Post of 2005
Have a safe holiday, fuckers. We don't need anyone getting into a bloody wreck this season. Be safe and party all night long.
I'm out.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Tidbits
I've kept this post as a draft for a number of months because I just kept adding thoughts to it:
- The best memories fade way too quickly.
- The memories that seem so minor really stick in your mind for ages.
- Real friends prove the test of time.
- Aquaintainces fall to the wayside, no matter how much effort there is.
- A good drink can do one of two things: amplify moods or change them completely.
- One should never pass up a good drink.
- Having a woman next to you as you sleep is a good thing.
- As much as we loathe family gatherings, a good family is something you can always depend on for support.
- Hell hath no fury like anyone scorned... if they are scorned bad enough. Otherwise, women think they are scorned and they become psycho.
- Reality - the reason alcohol and drugs exist.
- When you think you have figured out the vibe, it completely changes.
- Women are never clear in what they want. They tell you in shades, and life would be so much easier if they were straight forward.
- I can't read women whatsoever.
- Clutter kills.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Joke - 12/27
A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the road.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. Then the other man would come along behind him and fill in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind, filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here, with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there are three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Now just because Elmer's sick, that doesn't mean that Leroy and me can't work!"
Holiday Update #1
Well, the holiday was pretty decent. I had some good times with family and friends so far, and got some much-needed items for Christmas. I also made my temporary move, and I only have a few things to get out of the Orangelawn property. Once those items are gone, I'm done with that house. I'm free.
I got into the office to find a fridge which someone cranked the themostat on, so I had to deal with a number of exploded pop cans. Lovely.
Kidney update: Skip is home and resting comfortably, and Steph should be released in the next couple of days. Both of them are doing well, and I've seen a pic of some stitching. Frankenstein would be proud.
Labels: skip
Thursday, December 22, 2005
One more thing...
I intended the previous post to be my last one before the holidays start, but tomorrow at 6 AM, Steph is getting a kidney transplant from her brother Skip. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers so that everything goes smoothly.
Thank you.
Update: Surgery went well. Both siblings are well, but sore and on pain killers. We'll know more details in the coming days. Keep praying, people.
Labels: skip
Twas the Night Before Xmas (adult version)
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Humor for 12/21
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
WTF?
You want to know what's royally screwed up? I'll tell you.
Music videos from Taiwan.
Seriously. It may take forever, but yeah. SCREWED. UP.
I only got to the chainsaw before I shut it off.
I need sleep. God, does this suck.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
More Analytics Fun
... and no I don't mean that "Anal Love" note Chud wrote in the memo area on the check he gave to pay me back for bowling...
I was looking at my Google Analytics data for the past week, and I found this interesting:
Apparently, someone on the William Beaumont Hospital network is checking my site. WTF? Who is it? Fess up!
Romanticism
After having a few discussions with various people tonight, I'm curious about romantic actions and romantic sentiment.
Guys: What is the most romantic thing you've done for a woman? How well did it go over?
Ladies: What is the most romantic thing a guy has ever done for you? What was your reaction to said action?
(and yes, I made sure people can leave anonymous comments if they don't want to be known, and even for a limited time, you can drop an email at youhomo@joecwik.com, if you want to be a bit more discreet.)
Monday, December 19, 2005
Joke for 12/19
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods, when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. But the Pakistani man was screaming, "You have them on the wrong feet!"
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Friday, December 16, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Who wants a dollar?
I just downloaded a ringtone for my phone. First one to guess what song and band it is, gets one U.S. dollar. (One guess per person, and if you hear it before you guess, you are ineligible.)
Fun to be had...
It's cold as hell outside and snowing. You should stay in and enjoy these games:
- Rudolph 's Revenge - Avoid the suicidal reindeer and slaughter them.
- Tontie - Whack-A-Mole on delicious, delicious crack.
- Ass Hunter - Shoot the naked ass-rapers before you get caught in their grasp.
- Orbox - Guide your box to the flashing red box. Harder than it looks...
- The Waitress - This is the sleeper game. It starts off slow, but I got addicted to this one really quickly. Feed the patrons and hope they don't get pissed.
- Dodge the Bullet - You need to wait till the gun fires and click the mouse. Your reaction time determines if you dodged the bullet. Creative.
SubSprawl Band Makes Good...
Congrats to Those Transatlantics for being one of the finalists in Scion's xPress Fest contest. Essentially, it means Scion will pay for a music video to be shot by a local filmmaker (chosen by a contest -- I am not the one).
Kick ass.
You really need to give the Trannies (as they've come to be known) a listen.
NOW.
Well... (adult humor)
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?", asked the mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Chrissakes, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Humor for 12/14
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Sexual Harassment
This should be standard viewing at any job.
Sexual Harassment video
Thanks for passing it along, Chuck.
Beer Translations
Wow. Last night's post was quite depressing. Let's see about reversing that, shall we?
Beer translations:
1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." I'll be leaving before the next round.
2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (female) I'm easy.
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (male) I'm gay.
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) I'm horny.
10. "Who's got the next round?" I haven't bought a round in almost three years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
---
Now, to check the email and comments... I'm sure Chud, Rev, or Laura commented at some point... Wow. I guess not.
Monday, December 12, 2005
James Blunt in my head
Because this song has been pretty much stuck in my head since I heard it on SNL, and because I'm now a lightweight and drunk, and now depressed -- here's to every woman I've ever had a romantic inkling for:
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
-- James Blunt, "Goodbye My Lover"
---
God dammit, I went Emo.
MySpace
Lately, it seems that MySpace is all the rage. I don't see why. It's a Friendster with way too many bells and whistles. Even Chud has been ranting on his blog about MySpace.
Then Steph sent me this. (Thanks Stephinator!)
Dante Hicks - "Oh, my god, the kid in the helmet."
Leonardo Leonardo - Yes. Just look at him!"
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Sign here please...
What does your handwriting say about YOU?
My results:
- You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.
- You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones.
- You are affectionate, passionate, expressive, and future-oriented.
- You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody!
- You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.
Ok. Now, how dumb is it that you have to use a mouse to "sign" the damn quiz? I can't sign my signature with a mouse. I use a PEN. Oh well. It gets the point close enough, graphically anyway... damn mouse signature.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Quick notes
Here:
- Tired.
- Roads are horrid.
- BBC did a better Narnia, with more creativity and more feeling.
- Roads still suck.
- Shoveled quite awhile just so it's not so hard in the later AM.
- Feel like the floor of a taxi cab. (Thanks, Dr. Venkman.)
- Need sleep. Alarm goes off in 2.5 hrs.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Ninja!
Way back on May 10, I posted a link to a movie called "A Ninja Pays Half My Rent". Great short film, and hours of enjoyment.
But I've always wondered: "How do I become a ninja?"
Look no further than right here.
I swear to god, it works. I freaked myself out.
Site of the day
Fire Millen - The site of the day.
Since you can't make your statements known at Ford Field, attendees of Joe Louis Arena and the Palace have taken it upon themselves to erupt into "Fire Millen" chants.
I hope the Ford family is listening.
Drink of the Day
Bad name, but it sounds delicious:
Goat Slobber
- 2 oz Yukon Jack
- 6 oz Orange Juice
Directions: Mix Yukon and Orange Juice. Shake with ice. Strain into a Collins glass.
Realizations
Realizations I've made lately:
- I can't drink like I used to.
- Every day, I lose more control over tone in regards to my "singing voice".
- There's only a few things keeping me here in Michigan. Unfortunately, one of them is work.
- I know some interesting people.
- I can still bong fifteen beers, but they take a larger effect on me. (not in one shot, assholes...)
- I need to make another quality beer bong.
- I get to go see Chronicles of Narnia in less than twenty-four hours.
- I need to really start packing.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Geek out
Talk about geek girls trying to turn on other geeks...
Check this out.
Yeah, I know. Lame, but it's a good gimmick. (And no, there's no nudity.)
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Good News
I got some amazing news from Garvin, and I also read it here...
Steph and Skip got a kidney date -- December 23rd!
This Christmas will be a good one for health, but taxing for emotions. Please keep Steph and Skip in your thoughts and prayers.
Labels: skip
Things I'd Like To Do...
Here's some things I'd like to do or get started on in the next year:
- Take massage classes - To improve my skills.
- Learn After Effects - So I can improve my video work.
- Learn Latin - Because I love how it sounds and how it's pretty much the root of all languages.
- Learn Japanese - Because I'd like to visit Japan at some point in my life.
- Shoot another film - Because I need to. It's what I want to do for a living.
Chuck Norris Facts
When Harry Potter was about to grab the golden snitch, Chuck Norris grabbed it and roundhouse kicked him in the face and proceeded to have sex with Hermione. A week later she gave birth to three snakes.
More Norris facts are availiable on Chud's blog or even randomly generated here. (Thanks Chud.)
Meme/quiz
Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover
You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!
Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter. You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you. You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable. Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life. By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover.
Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives. Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours. No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.
Monday, December 05, 2005
More IRC Fun
In the spirit of this post from September... Well, Enjoy!
<.DannyB> some girl on the street asked if i was saved yet
<.DannyB> i told her i saved at the checkpoint a couple minutes back
<.DannyB> and can reload from there if i die
<.DannyB> she was confused
----
<.durandal> see, a whore is a girl who sleeps with everyone... a bitch is a girl who sleeps with everyone but you
----
<.Drhubbard> watched this film called 'anal lesbians' the other day.
<.Drhubbard> they spent about half the film going through the fridge labelling everything.
----
<.savenor> i just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident
----
<.lapyap> i was at this party and this really fuckin ugly drunk chick and I were talkin and she kept trying to get it on with me
<.lapyap> so later in the night she come up to me and says 'don't you want to go down on me?' so I say 'I;m jewish, I cant eat pig'
<.lapyap> she slapped me after that :p
----
<.carkeys> arpad you there?
<.Meritt> That's the first time I've seen car keys go looking for their owner.
----
<.Warmaster_Horus> But some of the stuff you can do with mayo is good
<.NiTessine> Yes. Like assassinations.
<.Mithran> You assassinate people with mayo?
<.NiTessine> Nobody ever suspects mayo.
----
<.Yaksha> We call this kids' mom 'Mapquest'
<.norris> why's that?
<.Yaksha> She has multicolored veins visible all over her body, looks like downtown Phoenix.
----
<.McKhaos> this guy asks me
<.McKhaos> how many people work in your company ?
<.McKhaos> my answer
<.McKhaos> about a third
----
<.Relevant> get oral_sex_training_video.mpg
<.Relevant> Oops wrong window.
----
<.Dreamlyre> wife, hooker...its about the same...you gotta pay for it
----
<.apoptygma> we have a jedi council at our fucking school
<.apoptygma> how gay is that?!?
<.apoptygma> i actually had a kid try that wavy hand thing on me
----
<.rouge> you vegetarian?
<.AlmtyBob> yah
<.rouge> i'm sorry. :/
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Sold
"Cause I'm all alone / you ain't coming home / We just settle down down into bone" - Counting Crows, "Goodnight Elisabeth"
It's time for me to pack up and get the heck out of here. I won't have internet in the evenings unless I go back to the office, so that really blows, as it's my only outlet for the most part.
Oh yeah, I'm beginning to really loathe Christmas.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Note
"In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round / I stand there for a minute starin' straight into the ground / Lookin' to the left slightly, then lookin' back down / World feels like it's caved in - proper sorry frown" - The Streets, "Dry Your Eyes"
Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Analytics
So, I've been using Google's new tool Google Analytics for a bit, and here's my week-long breakdown of where my visitors are located:
(click to enlarge)
I expected Michigan to be the largest, but followed by Ohio, not Wisconsin. Apparently I get a lot of love from the cheeseheads. Here's the breakdown for the top ten cities hitting my site in Michigan:
(click to enlarge)
Interesting, no? Southfield and Redford are tied, and Livonia's in the low end.
Craziness.
Weekend on the Horizon
I'm looking forward to having a good weekend. I get to see Steph and Garvin, as well as check out some good OHL hockey goodness in the form of the Plymouth Whalers versus the Mississauga IceDogs. And that's just on Friday evening. Maybe I'll get over to visit the Brace clan, move some stuff, and get some Christmas shopping done on Saturday.
We'll see.
It's just a shame everyone bowled like shit last night.
Humor for 12/2
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him! That cheating bastard!"
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Tokyo Breakfast
This file has been popular with some of my friends, and now, I found it online. Dialup users beware, it's a 10 mb file, but its really funny. It's also politically incorrect, so you have been warned. Without further adeiu, I give you....
Tokyo Breakfast!
Humor for 12/1
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him, to gather some snails. Very grudgingly, he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me... But he went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden, he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning, he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach, all the way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all the way down the stairs! The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he'd been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Site
Archives
2008
Jan |
Feb |
Mar
Apr |
May |
Jun
Jul |
Aug |
Sep
Oct |
Nov |
Dec
| full archive |
Links
This site created and maintained by Joe Cwik.